“A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remains a pillar of strength throughout our lives.”

– Ama H. Vanniarachchy

Dear parents,

My friend’s father passed away at a good old age last month, and as he was the eldest of 8 siblings, his younger brothers and sisters and many good old friends, some in crutches and wheelchairs, said farewell to him at the funeral service.  Reading and listening to the eulogies filled with praises and love from church ministers and family members, I could sense that my friend’s father was probably a loving and generous man, though like most fathers, he wasn’t good at expressing his love in words.

At the lunch following the cremation service, my friend jokingly said he did wonder at one point during the pastor’s sermon if the deceased man lying in the casket was indeed his father.   Apparently, my friend has a much more intimate understanding of his father’s life and personality than the pastor, his shortcomings in particular.  In his view, the eulogies did seem to sanctify his father, but he was a loving father overall, and his mother has always taught him to respect his father.  Indeed, no one is perfect, and a father doesn’t need to be perfect to be loved and remembered by his children.

Understandably, a child’s perception of the father is largely influenced by the mother who generally spends more time with her young children.  Although gender role stereotypes have been slowly changing, the father is still expected to be the breadwinner, work long hours without complaint and keep all his fears and tears to himself. At home, the father is usually quieter than the mother, and therefore she plays a pivotal role in shaping the views of her children about a ‘busy’ or even ‘absent’ father.

The absent father phenomenon is largely caused by the extreme financial and work stress in Hong Kong.  It is not uncommon for men to spend 10 hours or more at work every day.  To make ends meet, some men even take on one or more part-time jobs.  Such fathers don’t even have enough time to sleep, let alone spend time with their young children.  In their children’s eyes, the father could be working hard to provide for the family or simply a workaholic who cares about work much more than his family. A loving wife will remind her children to appreciate their father’s sacrifice rather than whine about his absence, but a dissatisfying marriage could often lead the mother to belittle the father’s contribution, which not only adversely affects the father-child relationship but also jeopardizes the marriage.

A good friend, who is now divorced, used to work 12 to 14 hours a day when he started his business about 20 years ago.  He slept less than 6 hours a day, got up at 7 in the morning so that he could drive his children to school before going to his office.  He often worked in the office past the family dinnertime, and on days when he could make it back to his home earlier, say 8pm, he would still dine alone as his wife insisted on having dinner with her children before 7pm for better health.  Worse, his wife often complained that she was like a single parent as she had to attend most of the parents' meetings and school functions alone.  This poor father worked hard but didn't feel loved or respected at home, so it was heartrending but unsurprising that he chose to leave the family when the children started attending university. 

As we celebrate Father’s Day this month, I hope you can help your children recognize the quiet contribution of the father at your home.  Mothers, do not demean the father even if your relationship is far from satisfactory. Instead, amplify his provision and protection to enhance the emotional wellbeing of your children and attain a happier marriage.